Those that know me say I’ve changed, they’re proud of me, that I seem happier than I’ve ever been and they’re right. This post is for those who don’t know me and just how far I’ve come.
2012 – 2014 – Devolution
I fell in love and unknowingly formed an unhealthy attachment. The only word that I can use to describe him as is my Soulmate. His keys fit my locks perfectly. Now, we weren’t perfect, hell, I’d go as far as to say we were dysfunctional but he had my heart. I looked past his imperfections (and him mine), his lack of respect for my feelings at times and fooled myself into believing he was the person he had the potential to be.
I was so attached to him that I lost myself. I become someone that I no longer recognised. I couldn’t remember what it felt like to be happy and carefree like I used to be.
2014 – 2015
After going back and forth, sweeping things under the rug and pretending things were ok because of (I guess) how we felt about each other, he finally decided he was over it and he didn’t even want to be friends.
My heart broke.
I became depressed and at times felt suicidal. I cried. Every. Single. Day.
At work. On the train. In my room. Mid conversation. Anywhere and everywhere. I couldn’t control it.
I started to hate him. Hate myself.
I signed up to do an online TEFL course to keep myself occupied and started to share what I was going through with my cousin and a few close friends. Slowly I managed to start picking myself back up again.
A few months later we bumped into each other, spoke about what happened and become ‘cool’ again but I couldn’t forget all that I had been through as a result of our situation and I started to resent him. That’s when I knew I had to get away.
I accepted a job in Spain and I ran, but stupidly, I kept him in my life still.
January 1st, 2016
I was leaving for Asia in 3 months and I was determined to finally get over him.
I left. We didn’t speak. He unfollowed me on social media so I figured he was on the same page but it still hurt.
I still thought about him near enough daily. I was jealous and angry that he was getting by happily without me, even though I was having the time of my life and growing into someone I had only dreamed I could be.
June 2016 – The Start of an Evolution
Fast forward a few months, I saw what I could only assume meant that he had really moved on. I knew it was coming but still, I broke down.
I sat by a beautiful swimming pool, outside of my villa, on my most amazing trip yet and I cried my eyes out. I asked the big man why she got what I wanted. I questioned my worth and for a moment forgot that I actually don’t want to be someone’s ‘sometime’, I want to be someone’s everything.
After a good talking to from my best friend, I finally felt like I was really ready to move on. That as much as I love him, he just wasn’t for me and I should be ok with that because what’s for me, won’t go by me. What’s for me, will be greater and if they’re better than him at his best, I’ll be one hell of a lucky woman.
August 2016 – Unapologetic In My Evolution
I’ve changed, again. But this time in a way that I’m proud of.
S/o to the pain that gave me understanding!
I know my worth now and I’m moving sooooo unapologetic in my evolution.
I’m poppin’. My tan is poppin’. And most importantly, my spirit is on level 10000000, CAN’T TOUCH THIS.
I’m flexing on EVERYONEEEEE. I’ve slyly got this thing called life figured out, even if it’s just for now and I’m happy, like REALLY happy.
My heart is well and truly on the mend (amen!) – I cried a little while writing this so I know I’ve still got work to do but boy have I come a long way!
Heartbreak put me in the darkest place I’ve ever been but without the blackout, I wouldn’t have searched for the light that led me to a life that I love, a life so full of purpose.
If you read this – Thank you. Thank you for letting me go. Thank you for helping me grow and thank you for showing me that the kind of man that my heart craves does exist. You’ll forever be the Chris to my Rihanna.
xo, Poppin’ Polly