I created xoTRG around the idea of inspiring people to do what I’m doing, or at least what I thought I would be doing – travelling, creating a life that is meaningful and fulfilling, following my dreams, not working a 9-5 because my life worth much more than that etc and ever since I set off for South East Asia I’ve heard nothing but ‘I’m so proud of you’, ‘you’re so inspiring’, ‘you’re so brave’, ‘I wish I could do what you’re doing’.
But how can I inspire others to do all of those things, if I’m not doing them myself? The truth is, I’m running away, and there’s nothing brave in that.
Ok, I’m not working a 9-5 but chances are when this trip is over, that’s exactly what I’ll be headed back to do.
I’ve been away for 11 weeks and I’m no closer to figuring out anything that I set out on this adventure to figure out. I’ve done nothing meaningful and I’ve slacked so hard on ‘following my dreams’ that I’m not even sure if I want that dream anymore.
In between the Instagram posts, constant laughs, good times and adventures, I’m still a mess inside.
Even though life is good, this is just temporary and I feel like I’m on borrowed time.
In 2 months or so, when I’m back in England, it will be like none of this ever happened and although I’m having a great time, that wasn’t solely what this trip was about for me.
So again, I feel like a failure.
I had big plans, and I guess sometimes life gets in the way, but maybe I’m not meant to live this big meaningful life? Maybe I’m meant to be one of these people who’s content with a 9-5 and I’m forcing everything else? I honestly do feel like my life is bigger than that but based on my actions thus far and lack of direction, maybe I’m wrong.
I hope that I can get back to basics, really figure out what I want, what makes me happy and what my next steps are before it’s time to return to England. I hope that one day I can accept a huge compliment like ‘you’re so inspiring’ and not feel like a fraud, but until then, I’ll continue to live my truth, tell my truth and be my true authentic self, no matter how much of a mess my life is in a world full of people trying to constantly prove how much they ‘have it together’.