I was living a life that I needed to escape from. I was trying to mend a broken heart surrounded by everything that reminded me that my heart was broken – including him.
I was battling anxiety and depression, I needed to be alone, shut out the noise of the world, mend everything that I felt was broken inside of me, grow and love myself. I needed to leave a comfort zone that really wasn’t that comfortable anymore.
I started distancing myself from the outside world, everything and everyone around me related to painful memories and I felt like I had no choice but to run away before I suffocated.
I had to reclaim my life before it was too late. I accepted a short-term job offer and decided to venture into a life unknown. I’d visited Spain before on holidays but I knew this was going to be different. I’d never been away, lived, or really spent time alone before and I was about to do all 3 at once. I’d spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, alone, for 2 months. I wanted to prove to myself and others that I could do it and I could be happy alone. I was intent on feeling happy and loved, for me, by me. I’d create memories that only I would have and they would be mine for life.
It was an uncomfortable, beautiful, happy, enlightening, empowering experience.
When I first arrived, I was in a race against time to make my train to my new home, so I didn’t really have time to focus on the fact that I had just flown 689 miles away from home alone and would be alone for a long time. I then had to settle into my new place and town, go food shopping and make dinner. I chose to treat this whole experience as a personal adventure and it helped keep my anxiety at bay – for the most part.
I didn’t have a car in Spain so walked everywhere. It’s here that I first experienced and learnt the meaning of stillness. In London I pretty much never not have something distracting me, be it my phone, music, the TV, daily stresses etc, but here, even though I had unlimited internet, I found myself content with just walking with a clear head and a happy heart.
In a world where everyone wants to be constantly connected, I felt peace being so far disconnected.
I read, went for aimless walks, sat in the park, completed an online course, enjoyed cooking, cleaning, appreciated my surroundings, the fresh air, the sun on my skin, raindrops on my palm after weeks of 35+ degree weather. It was like I had been walking around with my eyes closed for so long and I had finally opened them.
I didn’t care much about what was happening in London, I wasn’t interested in seeing people tweet, insta post or snap their fake happy ‘omg I’m having such a good time‘ lives.
I found so much of what I previously showcased on social media annoying and vowed that I would stop proving to the world that I was having a good time and simply just have a good time from now on.
I stopped existing and started living. A lot of people have said that I’ve changed and I probably have, but in my opinion for the better. I removed myself from everything I believe was causing bad energy to be drawn to me and I’m a lot more ‘awake’ to the world and what’s happening around me. I grew mentally, more in two months, than I probably would have in a year had I not changed the people around me and the way I looked at life. I learnt to deal with my emotions better and handle situations differently. I’m less selfish and more selfless but most importantly, I learnt to love my own company and I’m happier alone than I’ve ever been with anybody else.
Spain was definitely the best thing that ever happened to me and it will always hold a special place in my heart.